Stop the Voices!

I think if someone with multiple personalities barricades themselves from police it should be dealt with as a hostage negotiation.


I’m not trying to make light of a serious mental illness. After all, I have bipolar disorder myself, among other things. I don’t, however, hear voices unless there are others in the room.

A doctor once asked me if I heard voices. I told him that I did, and very frequently. He was immediately concerned and asked me to explain. I said, “For example, I can hear you now.”  He was not amused. I’m a comedian, what did he expect?? Ask a silly question…


I think my father may have had multiple personalities. He used to talk to himself, or so we assumed, daily. It normally happened while he was shaving. He had a very noisy electric razor, so he talked loud which leads me to this possibility. If you’re only talking to yourself, why the need to be heard?

It doesn’t add up. Now I’m beginning to sound like a cop on tv. “I know what the evidence is telling us, but my gut is telling me that something is just not right.” If someone is simply talking to themselves, they would be heard no matter what the volume was, right? Still, I hear people claim that, “It was so noisy, I couldn’t even hear myself think.” I don’t trust those people. What does that even mean?


If you’re trying to think out loud, it means that you’re talking to yourself, not thinking to yourself. Big difference. Maybe it means that the person is trying to brainstorm a possible solution to a problem. But brainstorming involves more than one person, so we’re back to square one.


I think that multiple personality syndrome is the perfect defense for any crime. I saw a movie once with Richard Gere and Edward Norton where Gere played the attorney who won the case against Norton’s character who feigned multiple personalities until the trial was over. I’m not sure what the name of the movie is. That would require me to think too hard and maybe out loud.


Even if I got pulled over for a traffic ticket, I could fake it. “Sir, may I see your drivers license, registration and proof of insurance?” “Excuse me, officer, but which one of us are you talking to?” I’ll bet it would work. There’s no law that I’m aware of that would prohibit a motorist with this condition from driving. I’m going to try it. We’ll let you know how it goes.

See you tomorrow.

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Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott


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