The Great Pumpkin!

I can hardly wait for fall! Soon it will be all things pumpkin. Last year, I ate so much pumpkin that I went through horrible withdrawals when the season ended. It got so bad, I had to use a pumpkin patch. (insert rim shot)

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There’s something about this time of year that is so awesome. After a hot summer, the coolness in the air is wonderful, the crisp mornings, the leaves changing color and the New York Mets watching the World Series at home.

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The best holidays land in the fall. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas are all coming up fast. Retailers are busy preparing for back to school sales, but I’m also seeing Halloween merchandise in the ads and on the shelves. For many, this is their favorite holiday. Really?

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I don’t get it. There is very little I like about Halloween. We can’t wait to open the door and hand out treats to perfect strangers. In this day and age, that’s just plain dangerous. How do we know that the kids on the porch, hiding behind masks, are not merely neerdowell midgets just waiting for the right time to conduct a home invasion?

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Many people like to create a very scary environment for the trick or treaters. This is not wise because many of the treat seekers are older kids and I don’t think I want to tick them off just before they get to my door. They can’t be trusted. Your house could get egged or, at the very least tp’d. That’s just nasty business.

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I’m in favor of the honor system. Just leave a big bowl of candy on the porch and let the kids help themselves while you go out to dinner. You’ll lose the bowl, but that’s a small price to pay for avoiding the potential pitfalls this night might hold.

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There are some things I enjoy about Halloween. I like to go through the candy before the little freeloaders arrive and remove the best candy bars to eat later on while watching “Scary Movie 15”.

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We have a tradition of making homemade chili out of the can, with processed cheese and just enough onion to turn your breath into an invisible deadly vapor and completely obliterate any hope of a more amorous trick or treat session later. The meal is not very healthy, but it tastes great.

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Thanksgiving is a great holiday, too. I love it. You know who else loves it? Bulimics. It’s “binge and purge day” for them. I think I might have just crossed the line, so I better end this blog. I just hope that there are no bulimic midgets reading it. If they find out where I live, there’s going to be trouble.

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See you tomorrow.

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