People always want to know how I’ve been married four times. Its easy. Anyone can do it. Just get three divorces. Sheesh.
I’m the last person anyone should seek marital advice from. I was given Larry King a run for his money at one point. I keep an attorney and a minister on retainer at all times. You never know.
The problem with marriage is your partner. Its not all their fault, it’s just that you always have to keep them happy. That’s the tough part. Its hard enough for me to make myself happy, let alone throwing someone else in the mix.
I think I may be addicted to honeymoons. Right. An addiction! That gets me off the hook. It’s a disease! I’m free!! But wait! Why isn’t there a 12-step program? Real diseases have one.* Crap. Well, I have to create one. Let’s see…
HA Step 1:
“I admit I am powerless over honeymoons and that my life has become unmanageable.” Duh.
HA Step 2:
I believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.” This would be child support and alimony.
HA Step 3:
“I will make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.” Therefore, I will expect him to instantly hit me with a meteor any time divorce and remarriage cross my mind.
HA Step 4:
“I must make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.” That should be easy. I’m obviously out of my mind and in need of medication.
HA Step 5:
“Admit to God, to mysef and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.” That part should be easy. I’ll just briefly mention it to my brother, Fred. He was always my best man.
HA Step 6:
“I’m entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” In fact, I’m begging Him. Please blind me from all great looking women!
HA Step 7:
“I humbly ask Him to remove my shortcomings.” The ability to still like the person at least a couple of weeks after the honeymoon.
HA Step 8:
“Make a list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them all.” Ok, but not with them all in the same room. CSI would inevitably be involved.
HA Step 9:
“Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” This one I can blow by, because I would be injured. Yeah, definitely.
HA Step 10:
“Continue to take personal inventory and when I’m wrong, promptly admitted it.” This will eliminate the arguments that make the next honeymoon possible.
HA Step 11:
“Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. And that my spouse won’t constantly annoy me.”
HA Step 12:
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I will try to carry this message to honeymoon addicts and to practice these principles in all my affairs.” Affairs may be a poor choice of words here. I’ll have to think that one through.
*I have great respect for those who live by actual 12 step processes. You are truly amazing people.
So far, 16 years on the current marriage, shattering the previous record of 9 years. Maybe I should take my wife, Heather, on a honeymoon.
See you tomorrow.
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