My best friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I hit him in the nose with a whole cantaloupe. I think I need a new friend.

Friends are great, as long as you can trust them. As a test, I always make up some crazy story about myself. If it gets back to me, that guy is not my friend. If I wind up in jail over it, he’s off of my list completely.

In show business, it is sometimes very difficult to discern who is your friend, and who is just hanging around to see if they can get money or fame. The line becomes very blurry. I’m sure the same is true in politics, as an executive and other powerful positions.

A person’s friends are sacred to them, and should be handled with kid gloves, which is a very creepy description. A good friend will be there for you when you’re in trouble, while the posers fade into the crowd. I once grabbed a marble rye from an old lady and ran away. My friends didn’t desert me. Wait  was that me?

No matter, my point is that true friends remain true until you cause them not to be. I remember a time in Punxsutawney, I was so rude to everyone. I only cared about myself until one day, after alienating everyone I knew or met, a woman caught my attention and changed me. It seems like only yesterday… Um, I’m not sure if that was me either.

The point is that when you find a true friend, you hold on to that friend unless they turn into something else. I once had a friend who was a great guy until he got mad. Then he became a mad man and couldn’t control his temper. He would turn green, which I always assumed meant he was jealous of me, then, he’d grow huge, like a monster and scare everyone around him.

You know what? I think I need some rest. Just like with phoney friends, I seem to be having trouble unraveling the truth from reality.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to lie down.

See you tomorrow.

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