Evil Companies Merging!

No one has seen Mike Myers for quite a while. I believe that he has resurrected Dr. Evil, and is running all of the satellite and cable TV companies.


Hear me out. This theory makes perfect sense. Dr. Evil was way behind the times, and didn’t care if he destroyed the earth. No difference.

So Comcast is buying Time Warner for 45 billion dollars. Let’s see, that will be $49.99 for the first 6 months, then $500,000 per month for the next 24 months.


Comcast is able to put together this complicated all stock deal, but can’t seem to get the X1 boxes out to their customers who have already paid for them.


While every cable and satellite TV company stinks, I have found Comcast to be the absolute worst. Either they are seriously the worst company, in terms of customer service, due to improper training for employees, or they just take your money and couldn’t care less about the service the customer receives. I think it’s both.


Several years ago, a creep representing Comcast came through our neighborhood selling cable service. He explained that it would only cost $49.99 per month for two years. Since I was paying Directv $129 per month for the same channels, I grabbed the deal. Six months later, I was once again paying $129 per month.


The many calls to customer service were simply pure frustration, no doubt the work of the evil mastermind, and they made it clear that they didn’t care at all. They knew they were going to get their money and that was all that mattered to them. Even when I told them about what their sales representative told us, they simply told me that they didn’t believe me. Done. I was stuck for the next 18 months.


Fast forward 18 months later and Dish Network had an offer of either 12 months for $29.99, then $49.99 per month for the next 12 months, or 24 months at $49.99 and a free ipad2. It took me a millisecond to do the math and take the iPad.


I called Comcast to see if they wanted to match the deal. This experience was sort of like calling the IRS. They don’t care either, although (pitiful disclaimer) if anyone reading this blog happens to be an IRS auditor, please understand that I’m excluding you from any derogatory comments. You are the salt of the earth.

I told the Comcast “customer service” rep (in homage to Dr. Evil, I’ll be using a lot of quotation marks) what the Dish Network offer was, and told them I would stay on with them if they could match the deal. The rep and her supervisor assured me that $129 was the best they could possibly do. I told them to cancel my service immediately.


I was transferred to their “customer retention” department, where the price suddenly dropped to $58 per month. I repeated the Dish Network offers and they assured me that their offer was the best they could do, and urged me to remain a customer. I told the Dr. Evil minion that I wasn’t stupid, something they were counting on, and to cancel my service.


So, I  called Dish Network and ordered the package with the free Ipad. Luckily, I went for a local dealer because the iPad never arrived. I waited a week past the date I was promised the iPad would arrive and called their “customer service” department. The minion I spoke to told me I signed up for the other package. The local dealer even faxed over the contract that proved I had selected the iPad. The evil clones wouldn’t budge because I hadn’t called within ten days.


I asked the evil one how I would know to call, since I had not yet been billed and the iPad was supposed to arrive within 4-6 weeks. She and her supervisor wouldn’t budge. Evil to the core. Fortunately, the local dealer was not evil and sent us an iPad on his own. So I ended up getting both deals. I have friends who have just hooked up a high definition antenna, and it works fine. I get it now.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to prepare my “laser”, aimed directly at Comcast’s headquarters.


See you tomorrow.

Check out my latest book, “The Twisted Musings of a Comedian II” at Amazon.com or click here.

Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott

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