At a burger joint, I saw an old couple buy one meal and split it. The man was eating while the woman waited. I offered to buy another meal but she said “No thank you. We always split everything 50/50.” I asked her why she was waiting and she said, “It’s his turn to use … More The teeth? No, not the teeth!!
I am absolutely certain that my dogs can understand English perfectly and are using their clever ‘doggy’ language to plot the overthrow of our household government. They want more meat content in their Iams. I need to let Heather, our leader, know at once! I don’t think they’ve thought this through. First of all, they’re … More They know!!
When my little brother was really young, my mom told us that since he was getting bigger now, we were going to need to move to a different house. I said, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. He’s crawling pretty fast now, he’ll probably follow us.” Last week, although the circumstances were far … More He’s following us!
Yesterday I received an invitation to the very exclusive Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte patch. Who knew? It’s underground so it’s impossible to find. I was taken there while blindfolded and left by the side of the road to find a ride home. It was well worth it all to get a fresh Pumpkin Spice Latte. … More Pumpkin spice patch
My foot was severely swollen and extremely painful. I went to my doctor. She took one look and said “gout”. I said, “That’s rude, I just got here.” There is really nothing funny about the gout. It’s incredibly painful and oftentimes requires a crutch or cane to get around. I get it from time to … More I broke my foot!!
A friend told me that since I’m a comedy writer, he takes everything I say with a grain of salt. What the heck does that even mean? I’ve never seen him actually pop any salt in his mouth when I’ve been talking to him in the past. And why just one grain? Why not several … More A grain of salt??
65 years ago today I was only 1,131 days away from being born. Where does the time go? Yeah, crazy thought. My parents never even saw it coming. In fact they were so surprised when my Mom found out she was pregnant with me, they picked out a girl’s name. I know! I forget what … More Time flies!
I’m sorry I haven’t written a blog in a while. My best friend and neighbor passed away suddenly last Tuesday so I haven’t felt like trying to write anything funny. I will resume the blog tomorrow.
I hope Heather gets amnesia at some point because after 20 years, I’ve run out of stories and funny things to share with her. She just gives me the eyes glazed over look. The other problem is that this is my fourth marriage and she doesn’t really want to hear about funny things that may … More What, this one again?
I was using Google Earth to find places where I used to live. That was fun. Then I decided to check our current house. We’ve lived here for nearly four years and it shows a vacant lot! I know! I freaked out and ran outside to be sure the house was still there. I thought … More Is it really there??