I saw a sign that read ‘Signal ahead”. I told Heather to stop the car about 10’ ahead and began frantically waving down cars. I fired a flare gun. The fire department came and quickly doused the fire started from the gun. I even got a citation! Sweet! I don’t think we can take chances … More Signal ahead!!
I performed at a party thrown by some rich people. I was watching the gardeners and one jumped up and did graceful swirling dance moves. A lady yelled, “Bravo! I’ll pay a hundred dollars to see that again!” The other gardener yelled, “Hey, Ed! Do you think you can step on the rake again?” First … More I can’t dance!!
When I was a kid, I worked in a grocery store. A lady yelled at me to cut a cantaloupe in half for her. I took it in the back and said, “I need this cut in half so this witch can buy it.” I suddenly sensed that she was right behind me. I turned around and … More I just can’t cut it!!
I’m going to start a movement to protest all protests. No matter what the cause, we’ll protest. Even when we’re interviewed by the media and we’re asked why we’re against the cause, our official response will be “What cause?” It’s important to get involved! Just the feeling of an official protest seems to do the … More Whatever you’re protesting, Count me in!!
A friend of mine rented a piano for his wife. After a few weeks I asked him how it was going. He said he talked her into playing the clarinet instead. I asked him why. “Simple”, he said. “With a wind instrument she can’t sing.” Some people can sing and some can’t. I don’t know … More I can’t take it anymore!
We took Heather’s Mom to brunch. It was magical and by that I mean they had a guy doing table magic. I asked him how he did a trick and he said, “I could tell you but I would have to kidnap you, never to return.” I said, “I understand. Could you tell my Mother-in-law?” … More I’ve been taken!!
Last night we were watching ‘A Quiet Place’. Suddenly, Heather sneezed and I wet myself. What a great movie, but not to be watched at home on the fourth of July or New Years Day. Unexpected noises will freak you out! It’s kind of like when your mother in law announces without warning that she’ll … More run for your life!!
I’ve often heard the phrase, ‘Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater’. Seriously? What kind of person would do that? That’s just mean plus the wet baby would get all dirty again and that completely defeats the purpose of the bath, right? Who ‘throws’ out bathwater anyway when there’s a perfectly good drain right … More Don’t throw the baby!!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Therefore applesauce everyday should keep all drunk doctors away. Typically, you wouldn’t think a physician would come to work after a bender but the odds are some of them do and I think they’re all mine. I know! It took a host of the best doctors in … More I love applesauce!!
I’m a terrible golfer. The last time I went, a shot landed in the deep rough, in the trees. I used my seven iron to attempt to get out. Then I saw a skeleton with a seven iron by his side. I know! I was startled and immediately got my nine iron. Clearly I wouldn’t … More I can’t golf!!