About a year ago, I happened upon a scene I’ll never forget. It was on a rainy Thursday night.. Wait it couldn’t have been a Thursday because that’s poker night. Anyway, it was downtown and… Wait, it couldn’t have been downtown because I don’t drive or take the bus. Actually, I don’t even recall what … More I don’t drive!!
I think I’ll run for president in 2024. I’m just as qualified as any of the front runners in any party. I made $1.2B last year and got a tax refund, been married 4 times. I’ve sent thousands of emails from my private server and I have an uncle who lives in Moscow, Idaho. I’m … More I’m running for president!
Words never heard, anywhere: I can’t wait for the next Steve Guttenberg movie! Ok, that’s mean and it’s not his fault. In fact and more to the point, he’s not a good actor, but he ended up landing quite a few juicy movie gigs. That’s great marketing on his or his agent’s part. I’m really … More Don’t say that!!
My friend Steve really needed a new laptop for college but he also wanted to ‘pop the question’ to his girlfriend. He took her to dinner and surprised her on one knee with a beautiful engagement ring. Then he asked, “Megan, will you do me the honor of buying me a new laptop?” I don’t … More The answer is no!!
I don’t like the word ‘stuck’. There’s nothing good about it. “I’m stuck! Help me out! Ouch! I just got stuck with a pin! I have that stupid song stuck in my head! I got stuck in the back of the line! There are plenty more, of course. I move that we delete the word … More I’m stuck!!
My doctor is insane! He wants me to get down to my original weight, but that’s 6 pounds, 5 ounces! My therapist wants me to go on a Keto diet developed by a Dr. Axe. I don’t know about that. There are exactly 1,06,461 keto diet plans available. Since I donated a kidney, I need … More Diets make me crazy!
Yesterday I was messing around with my computer. Heather asked me what I was doing. I said “I’m trying to fix a problem. My pc says it can’t see my printer!” She said. “That doesn’t surprise me. Your office is a disaster. I can’t see your printer either!” I’ll admit, I do have a pretty … More Where did I put it??
Yesterday, we were on the way to a Bible study. We got a few blocks away when Heather realized she forgot her Chapstick. She suddenly did a better fish tail turn around than Jason Bourne and burned rubber all the way home. When she got back in the car she said, “That’s better.” I said … More I’m addicted!!
Yesterday the Fedex guy delivered my new thesaurus I ordered from Amazon. I consider it a must-have for all writers. When I opened it, every page was blank! I know! I don’t have the words to express my anger! Does anyone even use a thesaurus in paper form anymore? I use the one built in … More This is an outrage!!
I figured it out! Russia has been infiltrating spies for decades! Just think about the subtle comparisons. Cosmonauts/Cosmetologists. Who would suspect? And I’m pretty sure they get their assignments from special codes inside Cosmopolitan Magazine. I have been in touch with the FBI several times and they’re taking this very seriously. I wouldn’t be surprised … More The Russians are coming!!