When I was a teenager I was begging my dad for a car. He said, “You have two legs. What do you think they’re for?” I said, “One for the break and gas and the other for the clutch.” Didn’t get the car. When I finally got a car I was a maniac. I broke … More Hit The Breaks!!!!
Last night I dreamed that the floors in the house were all overgrown with grass. I’ve been known to sleepwalk and my wife was really mad this morning when she found the carpets shredded and the lawn mower in the kitchen. I can’t be held responsible for what I do in my sleep. Who knows? … More Who Cut It Up???!!!
I was officiating a wedding and when I introduced the couple as married I heard a little girl ask her Mom, “Mommy, why did that lady switch?” Her Mom asked her what she meant. The girl said, “She came down with one man but left with another one.” Adorable. A child’s take on life can … More She Switched?!?!?!
Never give Valentine’s cards unless you’re REALLY in love with the person. Every card is like “You’re my soul mate, I couldn’t live without you, I can’t imagine life without you, etc.” There should be cards that say, “Even though you’re not the one, things are OK.” When I was dating, I used to break … More Ugh! Again Already???
When we first married, I was a pretty stubborn knucklehead. One day I came home and found a note on the fridge. It read “This isn’t working. I’m going to my Mom’s for a while.” I opened the fridge and thought, “The light came on and the beer is still cold. What the heck is … More It’s Not Broken!!!
Last night I was in the living room watching TV. I heard Heather ask “Sweetheart, what would you like for dinner, chicken or steak?” I said, “Thanks Honey, I think I want steak.” She said, “You’re having a peanut butter sandwich. I was talking to the dog!” I don’t know what it is, but I … More Who Gets it???!!??
On a snorkeling cruise last week, I was the last one back on the boat. Then I noticed a beautiful woman with me, following my every move. I was flattered until I discovered that she was the lifeguard and needed to be the last one on the boat. I’ve been conspicuously absent for some time. … More What??? She’s Not Into Me???