When I was in elementary school, my teacher asked me “Jerry, if you have five dollars and you ask your Dad for five more, how many would you have?” I said “Five.” She said, “You don’t know addition very well.” I said, “You don’t know my Dad very well.” Parents need to be frugal for … More
The next time you’re waiting to be seated at a very busy restaurant, try this. Take out your cell phone and pretend to be talking to someone. Very loudly say, “Get over here now! He’s with another woman!” I predict you’ll get a table quickly. I don’t know why people cheat on their significant other. … More You Cheated On Me!!!
A friend of mine and I were talking about our funerals. He said, “I want to be cremated and my ashes spread over Walmart. That way I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week.” I don’t want to be maudlin but these things need to be planned. I certainly don’t want … More Seriously?? Walmart???
I used to date a girl who’s father didn’t like me. I was over one evening watching a movie with her when he yelled at me, “I need you to move your car!” I apologized for blocking him in. He said, “You’re not blocking anybody in. You’re at the wrong address!” I think it’s a … More Move Your Car Now!!!!
I’m not going to rant about Daylight Savings Time, but it’s just as ridiculous as ‘saving time’. Impossible. We can only spend time. Let us spend our time the way we want! Um, forget that first part. I think Ben Franklin began this ridiculous policy in the United States but other countries participate too, some … More Saving Daylight?? What Are You, Nuts??!
Every time I’m tempted to eat a cheeseburger I hear two voices. One says “Eat the cheeseburger.” The other one says “You heard him, eat the cheeseburger!” It is virtually impossible for me to resist a really good cheeseburger. Who am I kidding, it doesn’t even really have to be that good. Within a five … More I’m So Weak!!!
I always tried to be funny in school. In history, I was taking a test. I had the answers on the palm of my hand. Bob Gress stood beside me and asked, “Is there something interesting on your hand?” I said “No its actually pretty boring.” The principal and I had a nice chat. I … More What??? I Flunked???