I’m so tired of the the entertainment and news industry always seeming to have the need to turn ordinary shows and news articles into smut. Prime example – referring to the nominated Supreme Court Justice as SCROTUM. That’s just wron…. What? Carry on. I remember hearing the acronym ‘POTUS’ on a news program on TV. … More Fake News??? I Don’t Think So!!!
I burned 2,000 calories this morning! Next time I’ll need to be sure to stay awake when baking scones. I’m certainly not a good cook. My children can attest to that. So can my siblings and Heather. I even burn popcorn in the microwave. That’s just silly in this day and age. I even wait … More Burn Thousands Of Calories… Starting Today!!
The shortest sentence in the English language, I think, is “I am”. The longest sentence? “I do.” Ok, before anyone goes completely nuts on me, I love my wife of 20 years very much. It’s just that as a comedian and comedy writer, there are certain things I just think of and feel the need … More I’ve Been Sentenced!!!!
I hope Heather gets amnesia at some point because after 20 years, I’ve run out of stories and funny things to share with her. She just gives me the eyes glazed over look. The other problem is that this is my fourth marriage and she doesn’t really want to hear about funny things that may … More You’re So Funny!!!
Many people have car alarms but few pay attention when they sound because they go off by themselves so often. Mine is different. I hook up a very strong electric current to the drivers side door handle. I’ve only been electrocuted 37 times. I remember early car alarms that used to yell, “Move away from … More Get Away From My Car!!!!
If I were a woman and a guy was trying to show his undying love for me by saying he would climb the highest mountain and swim the deepest ocean for me, I think I would say, “Awesome! Let me know when you get back and we’ll talk.” We guys say some of the most … More Seriously?? You Would Do All Of That For Me???
I once had a colon resection due to diverticulitis. I had to be examined by a proctologist named, wait for it…. Dr. Pugh. That’s right, pronounced pew. I know! Talk about destiny. Can you imagine choosing that specific specialty with that name? A friend of mine was having shoulder surgery and his surgeon’s name was … More My Doctor’s Name Is What?????