Last week I met a guy at a neurology clinic. He kept telling me how beautiful his girlfriend was. He pulled her picture up on his phone and I said, “Wow! You should see my wife.” He asked if she was beautiful too. I said, “Yeah, but she’s also an eye doctor.” They say that … More Seriously? Dude, She’s Ugly!!!
I got my haircut last week. Heather said she was going to get a drink at Starbucks. The salon clerk said “Ma’am, you’ll need to leave us you’re drivers license. We need to know there’s something you’ll want to come back for.” I don’t enjoy haircuts. Ironically, I like the way it looks and feels … More I’ll Be Back!!!!
Due to my tweet about shooting my neighbor yesterday, the city is demanding that I step down from being caretaker of my two toy schnauzers. The dogs have no opposable thumbs and one only has six teeth. What are they going to do, bark someone to death? I think I’m going to close my Twitter … More I’m Not Going To Resign!!!
Some practical jokes can get out of hand. I started yelling set up lines at my neighbor. Then about an hour later I’d yell the punch line. He laughed every time. The last time, though, he didn’t laugh so I shot him. The nerve. I’m currently honing my prison gang set list. Sometimes people don’t … More You Crossed The Line!!!
Before we got married, we had dinner with Heather’s parents. She told me that her Mom is opinionated and mean. I assured her I could stand up to her. I didn’t and Heather wanted to know why. I said “It got to the point where I was more afraid of the flying monkeys looming outside … More Flying Monkeys????
When I was a kid, I really didn’t care much about school. I would much rather make people laugh than get good grades. One time I came home and told my Mom I got 100%! She was excited. I said, “Yep, I got a 50 in history, a 30 in English and a 20 in … More I Got 100%!!!
I’m really getting ticked off! Every time I try to get some money from my account, some guy named Ira tells the bank he’s going to take some of it for himself! I know! I’ve never even met the guy! Let’s face it, finances can be difficult for most people. There are so many ways … More Give Me My Money!!!